It is hard to believe that three years have gone by already. Boy has it flown! Most days it feels like we just got married, and then other days it feels as if we have been married for years. But I really cannot believe we are three years in already!
I recently had a friend get engaged, and she asked me if I had any marriage advice. As I sat there and thought, my first reaction was, "I am not the person to be giving marriage advice. I still haven't gotten this thing figured out and we are almost three years in!" The longer I sat there and the more I thought about it I realized, no, I do not have any "good advice" to give. However, I have learned a few things along the way. And while I don't know much about marriage, I definitely know more than I did the day I walked down the aisle. Boy, do I know more. In fact, that day I basically knew nothing, which is funny because Scott and I thought we were so prepared for marriage. But as much planning and premarital counseling as we did, nothing quite prepared us for what lie ahead. Like nothing. Except maybe a vision from God into our first year of marriage. But I guess some things you just have to learn as you go. Here's a few things I have learned along the ride......
1) Don't sweat the small stuff. I am so far from perfect in this category, mostly because I am type-A and can be a little stuck in my ways (and maybe sometimes think others should be stuck in my ways too). However, I recently had someone tell me a story of an elderly lady she had recently met. The elderly lady told a story about how her husband had recently died, but when he was alive, he would spill his coffee every morning on the table and leave it there and she would have to come behind him and clean it up. Every. single. day. I can imagine that would be annoying. However, now that her husband was gone, she missed cleaning up that coffee spill every day. This was a kind reminder not to sweat the small stuff, because there are more important things in life than coffee stains. As the old saying goes, there's no use crying over spilled milk.........
2) Let your spouse be themselves. This one has probably taken me the longest to figure out. For those of you that know me and Scott, we could not be more opposite. We also have so much in common, but on the external, we could not be polar opposites. I am an introvert to the extreme. In fact, I would be happy being in a room, by myself, writing and reading pretty much 95% of the time. When we go out in public, I would be fine going in, not talking to a soul, and then leaving to go about my day. In fact, I have been known to be called a wallflower, and if you see me in public, you may see me standing against a wall waiting on my husband. Because Scott, he talks to everyone. In fact, he could talk to people for days. And when we go somewhere, he will work a room and make sure he has talked to everyone. And on top of that, he sometimes talks loud, is very gregarious, and most people know when he (or we) enter a room. For the longest time, this was so hard for this girl who just wanted to slip in quietly somewhere without being seen or noticed. And on top of that, he eats weird things. Like really weird things. However, I have learned that when I tried to squelch that gregarious spirit or tell him what he can and cannot eat and try to form him into a mold that I think is the right mold, I was only squelching his spirit. So, while I far from perfect at this, marriage has taught me to let my spouse be who he is. God created him to be that way, so God wants nothing else!
3) Have fun and be spontaneous but realize romance isn't everything. I wish I would have learned this about 15 years ago. It would have made my life so much easier. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge romantic. I mean Scott proposed to the tune of Pride and Prejudice, complete with a Mr. Darcy outfit. If you don't know I am a hopeless romantic by now, well, I am at a loss. I love it when Scott brings me flowers and takes me on dates and surprises me with getaways. There really is not much that makes me happier. And it is important to continue to date each other in marriage, have fun, and be spontaneous. Do things like dance in the kitchen or go on a picnic or eat cake at 10 at night. Because you are creating memories and memories are good. But honestly, while I love these moments, marriage has been teaching me to appreciate the mundane with Scott and not to expect the flowers and presents all the time. Because honestly, about 85% of our time (if not more) is spent on the mundane, like groceries, dishes, laundry, cleaning the house, going to meetings, getting the oil changed in the car, running errands, taking care of each other when we are sick (which has been a lot lately for this pregnant self), and finances. I have realized that the mundane tasks of everyday life are acts of love too and can convey things that flowers and fancy dinners and surprise getaways cannot. Being romanced is fun, but the everyday activities of life are good and meaningful too. And can be fun if you make them. Just add ice cream. Ice cream makes everything better.....well except finance meetings. That calls for something a little stronger than ice cream around the Stier home.....like lots of Diet Coke and a little tuning out by this spender.
4) Find something you both like to do and do it together. Take a walk. Play a game (our favorite is rummikub). Travel. Canoe. Ride a bike. Whatever it is, find something you like to do together and do it. Traditions are fun and another way to make memories. Oh, and Taco Tuesday is a highly recommended Tuesday tradition from the Stier household. You won't regret it.
5) Love deeply. This has really hit me hard lately. I learned about an acquaintance that recently lost her husband at age 27. Ever since I heard about this, it has weighed heavily on my heart and mind. The night I found out about it, I lay in bed next to my husband realizing that this young widow would never lay next to her husband again. Tears started rolling down my face, mostly because I was convicted. I realized in that moment, I do not do the best job at loving my husband well. I do not do the best job of loving him deeply. I do it to others around me, but at times when I am called to love the person I am closest to, I fail, mostly because I know he will be there with open arms to take me back in, while I cannot say the same for others. In addition, on that particular night, Scott and I had gotten in a fight before bed. That night, I was given some perspective, very deep and grave perspective. Then I began to think, "What if that was the last thing I said to him?" And it hit me like a ton of bricks. Love well. Love deep. Because the Lord gives and the Lord takes away and let's make the moments count while we have them.
Last, leave room for grace, lots and lots of grace. Like limitless amounts of grace. Because we all make mistakes. And marriage lasts a lifetime. That's a lot of mistakes that call for a lifetime amount of grace. And I am not saying grace is easy. It is hard and marriage is sometimes really hard. But with a lot of grace (and a lot of laughter), you will teach each other more about the heart of Jesus and show each other the love and grace of Jesus in ways that no one else can and that's pretty neat.
Happy Anniversary Love. Here's to learning more about life and marriage and to learning how to love better and more deeply with you by my side. It really is a privilege to journey alongside life with you.
Until next time be blessed..................
